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Tue, Jul. 3rd, 2012, 02:28 am
Sending Off A Little Light

My daughter Iliana was born into crisis. Her continued good-cheer in the center of that kept many of us relatively sane, in the midst of her mother's decline. She's been a tiny anchor, keeping me from forgetting my place in the world when a part of me wanted nothing more than to cut adrift.

But she's also exhausting, as only a very aware one-year-old could be. She runs Erika ragged during the day, and then has enough left to wear me out in the hour I'm usually home before her own bed-time. Between then and her wake-up I try to push everything that isn't work.

And I can see the warning signs of burnout in myself, plain as day. My spaces are slowly filling up with kipple, the physical trace of tasks unfinished and hung up to wait. My computer piles up half-finished reading and other task lists, some better attended than others but all slowly filling, rather than emptying. And my concentration on work is sheer force of will, in a job that I have been working my entire adult life to get to. Tardiness, my old nemesis, stalks my schedule-book like a Jack-the-Rip-Off, killing plans in the most banal of manners. Sleep comes less and less regularly, and anger comes more easily.

And my son gets along as best he can with the limited time and energy his dad has left for him, after work and wee one.

The month that Iliana went visiting grandparents was an immense relief, but tinged with guilt and anticipation. So I thought for a while. And I went to Flipside, and talked with Reesa a little (I did say relatively sane). And the conclusion I reached is this: I owe both of my children full-time parenting, and I'm giving them each barely half-time as it is. Erika is filling in the gaps admirably, but (and this is praising by faintness of insult) she's not Reesa; we don't have that rapport, nor her years of deep thinking and research on child-rearing. And I'm running out of steam, and that isn't something that getting more local help could address because I'm already getting plenty. And if I stop the whole damn works stops, and neither of them get the parenting they deserve.

So I've sent Iliana to live with Reesa's mother Deb, up near Dallas. This puts her very near a lot of her relatives, including her uncle Derek and her grandparents Ken and Mary. Deb and I have a strong rapport, and I think between us we can do a good job of remembering all the good things Reesa wanted for Iliana. Dylan and I will remain here in the Austin area while he's finishing high-school, and hopefully between us remembering all the good things Reesa wanted for him. There will be regular visits, and more regular video calls. When Dylan's out in the world on his own, Deb and I will be talking about living closer together and sharing in Iliana's care (she insisted, and I grok completely).

I'm beaten up. I know this was the right decision, but it hurts in ways I didn't think I had any capacity left for. I spent a month agonizing over it every stray second. I screamed and got religion at a dying pyre over it. I made my mind up, fought myself until I was bloodied and bloody sure. I'm crying now, I've been crying quietly for a week or more, and I. Don't. Cry.

Except to raging at the passing of a light. Even if this little one's just going a short way up the road.

Tue, Jul. 3rd, 2012 02:52 pm (UTC)
interactiveleaf

Are you interested in hearing comments on this? I'm hesitant to speak because I don't know you that well.

Tue, Jul. 3rd, 2012 06:22 pm (UTC)
temujin9

I'm posting it everywhere, so everyone in her life can know what's going on with her. Whether I like it or not, I've tacitly invited commentary; if I end up regretting that, I strongly doubt it will be because of you.

Tue, Jul. 3rd, 2012 07:08 pm (UTC)
skattenstar

Oh Nathan,

I am so so sorry that you're having to go through this. I wish there was something I/ we could do to help you through this time - and if there is anything, Do Not Hesitate To Ask - or just mention it loudly enough someone can hear you. You have made a deeply personal and difficult choice, and I support you. The best thing a parent can do to be a good parent is to take care of themselves and to ensure that their child has the best possible support - even if that's not with them for a time. Things will get easier as Iliana gets older and as you are more and more able to heal. You are stronger than I think most people would've been able to be if faced with a similar situation.

=h=

Tue, Jul. 3rd, 2012 09:04 pm (UTC)
made_of_paradox

I love you.

This is one of the most difficult things you can do as a parent.

I don't know what I can give you, but ask, and if I have it to give, I will.

Tue, Jul. 3rd, 2012 09:27 pm (UTC)
netmouse: Dallas is not so far

When I was almost three, my dad's ex took my half-brothers away from Michigan to Iowa. We almost never saw them after that; we stayed in touch, especially when the boys were sent to the gulf war, but only as adults did we start to rebuild our relationships.

They are 11 and 9 years older than me. Sometimes I am amazed how similar Dave and I are.

I say this as a prelude to encouraging you to keep Dylan and his sister's relationship in mind in the midst of all this. I'm sure you already are, and I don't know what it's like for them right now, but when they are grown the age difference will not be that great, and they will thank you if you have for them things like pictures of them together, of visits Dylan will likely remember more clearly but that will be important to both, and save for/with them notes or cards or whatever they give each other.

We did not have much news of my brothers when I was little and we lived apart, at least not that was shared with me. Just something to maybe talk with Deb about. And with Dylan.

Rosie is almost two, and Brian and I working together are often pretty burned out. I understand this decision and I send you supportive thoughts, even as I cry myself at the thought of how hard it must be for you.

Keep taking care of you as well as them, and I have faith that you will get through this, and even find joy in places.

Also, if you haven't already, make a couple photo albums for Iliana of people who love her. They make plastic ones specifically for babies to handle. Rosie really likes hers. And Iliana will have pictures of you she can handle and look at whenever she likes. and if she is learning sign language, you and dylan should keep studying it, of course. In a couple months she will really speed up.

*hugs*

Tue, Jul. 3rd, 2012 10:50 pm (UTC)
knighthorse

It seems that you have made the best choice possible, given all circumstances. You can only play the cards you have in your hand. And just by virtue of how hard you are taking this decision shows how much you care about your family. As one who has often beaten myself up over hard decisions, I invite you to not take it out on yourself. I know that it is easier said than done, but It is a bad road that I know all too well. Take care and know that you have many people in your life who support you.

Wed, Jul. 4th, 2012 04:17 pm (UTC)
psylent1

I know from first hand experience how hard it is to give up full-time raising of your child. Here if you want to talk about it. *hugs*

Sat, Jul. 14th, 2012 04:31 pm (UTC)
gyesika

Just wanted to say that I'm continuing to think about y'all and holding y'all in a lighted place in my heart.

Sometimes the strongest thing we can do is stop pushing the rock up the hill and find another hill, path or journey to take. I admire you for doing what is best for everyone involved, even as it hurts.

There's an expression in Twi, the lingua franca of Ghana, "KosE", which roughly translated, means "I didn't cause your pain but I am sorry that you are going through it." ... KosE, Nathan.